


Fairytale Gone Bad

by ArynjaT



Category: Backstreet Boys, Popslash
Genre: Drama, Friendship, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-20
Updated: 2015-02-09
Packaged: 2018-02-13 23:42:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2169816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArynjaT/pseuds/ArynjaT
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brian has issues with his vocal chords and it affects him quite alot. Nick tries to help him to get back his voice.</p><p>((Obviously the Story was started before I saw the documentary, so please excuse the fact, that the beginning chapters that are about that argument and the issues aren't exactly how they were in reality.... also I didn't know that house where they came together to write their album was in London. So I made an error there too.</p><p>After all tho is fiction.... just imagine it as being in an alternate timeline :P After all I don't actually think there is anything between Bri and Nick in RL.))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Geile Zeit

**Author's Note:**

> I'm looking for a beta-reader ;) since english is not my native language. And yeah I know I messed up the part with Kevin and the happy places hahahah.... cause I didn't know what that english saying meant..... but I will just leave it this way.... it's fiiiine ;)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Had he never felt like something was missing? Something they once had? It made him fear, that their friendship had never been as important to Nick as it had been to himself.

„So are we final with that stage plan?“, Nick lifted the piece of paper, he was holding in his hand over his head. They were just talking about their show and discussing who would sing which part of what song. 

Kevin nodded at Nicks question, who then proceeded to slam the piece of paper down on the table: „How come no-one brings up Brians voice issues?“ For a few years now Brian had been struggling to perform at his usual level of quality. Back in 2009 it had all started when he had caught the swine flu, he hadn't worried alot about it at the beginning. Since then five year had passed though and Brian still was not able to sing properly again. Oftentimes when they were singing his voice would be sore, it would crack or it was simply not there. The power it once had, that had brough him to sing lead in many of their most popular songs, now it was gone. And even tho every single one of them knew about this fact, nobody had put it to words until now. So it came as quite of a shock when Nick adressed the issue and lead Howie and AJ to look slightly uncomfortable down to their hands and bringing Kevin to frown. Brian, the man Nick was talking about had even twitched lightly when the topic was brought up and now he had his lips pressed to a line looking lightly sad. 

Nobody said a word really until Nick decided to emphasize what he meant: „Brian how can you sing lead for Soldier in your condition?“, he looked directly at his former best buddy, who in turn lifted his head to look into his eyes. „My voice is fine Nick.“, in truth it really wasn't and Brian knew that all to well, but he had his reasons. Brian didn't want to be left out and most of all he did not want to feel useless. 

„Oh yeah? Well if it's so fine, why don't we sing It's Gotta Be You then?“, Nick would stare at Brian, who sunk his head at that question „What do you think will happen if you sing and your voice cracks? What do you think will happen if your performance will be lousy in our first concert? Do you know what they will write in the magazines the next day? The boys lost their style, the boys lost their quality and spice, things like that. How will it affect the Backstreet Boys, Brian?“, he was about to speak on but fell silent as soon as he noticed just how much his words were hurting Brian. Nick just needed to look into his eyes to notice how they became clouded with deep sadness.

Kevin could only really stare at Nick and shake his head: „Nick c'mon, let's talk about happy places and love.“, obviously he was trying to diffuse the situation, without much sucess tho. After a few moments of awkward silence and staring at each other Brian raised himself from his seat „I think... I mean... sorry guys but I will go to my room.“ As he moved past the guys Nick could see how tears were starting to form in Brians eyes. Nick immediatly regretted his harsh words since he could see that sadness that Brian didn't want any of them to see. It had been so obvious how much these vocal issues were affecting him and he just had dug his fingers into an open wound, driving his friend out of the room. 

„Great job, Nick.“, AJ called out and sarcastically clapped his hands as they heard Brian close the door of his room behind him, „You are as sensitive as an elephant in the porcelain shop.“  
Those words left Nick clenching his jaw. „But it's true and you guys know it!“, he regretted that his words hurt Brian, but he felt like somebody had to finally be honest. The other guys didn't seem to agree on his good intentions tho and Kevin was just shaking his head in disbelief uppering his voice again: „Maybe but you should put yourself in his shoes, man. We are all singers, just imagine how you would feel in Brians position. How would you feel if someone told you, you were not good enough anymore to sing the songs you sung all your career? Especially Brian, you know he sang lead in more than half of our early songs.“ He was putting an imaginative mirror infront of Nick, who only could sigh and eye the ground. 

The boys were right, Nick couldn't imagine going through the same ordeal, that lay ahead of Brian every day since it had gotten this bad. When he thought about it, he thought it was even quite impressive, how he could keep up his act. Maybe that was even the problem, Brian was so good in acting out that everything was fine, that Nick really believed him and thought it was no problem to be honest with him. If he looked behind the mask tho he could see a suffering man and the guys just had helped him to open his eyes for that. „I'll go talk to him...“, and with that Nick made his way over to Brians room.

A moment of uncertainty and hesitation were followed by Nick knocking at the door, three careful knocks, that he hoped Brian would answer. „Brian... please let me in.“, he spoke in a soft voice against the wood of the door, but the pnly answer he got was silence. Brian probably hated him now, at least that was the thought that shot into Nicks head, hating him for acting like an asshole and he couldn't even blame him for that. On the other hand tho, he was not someone to simply give up, so he knocked a second time. „Brian... I want to apologize and I don't want to talk to a wooden door.“, he sighed in a frustrated fashion and started to shake the doorhandle. There were still no words, but suddenly the door opened and Brian stared at him. He had been crying as the reddish colour of his eyes proofed and he was frowning at Nick. It took a good ten seconds of perfect silence, till Brian just turned around and moved back to the couch, leaving the door open for Nick to enter.

„Listen I'm sorry...“, Nicks words cut like a knife into Brians heart. „Sorry eh? What for?“, was all he could really respond, what had been said at the table had really hurt him, hurt him enough to produce his tears, even tho he was a grown man. Nick just sighed again and walked into the room closing the door silently behind him, while Brians blues were still staring him down for what seemed to be an eternity. Finally when the smaller man had stopped staring at him tho, Nick didn't feel much more comfortable either, since now Brian was staring at a TV that wasn't even turned on instead and he was acting kind of weird. 

„Why are you sorry, when you just said the truth?“, Brian repeated while looking at the black screen. That was the problem, Brian wasn't actually hurt, because Nick had been saying what he said, he was mad tho, that what he had said was actually true. He wasn't mad at Nick, in reality, what he really was mad about was the whole situation. Years of trying to recover his voice with medical treatment and vocal training, had made Brian quite bitter about the fact, that he couldn't sing as he used to. „God tells us not to lie, doesn't he? So you did everything right.“ And at that moment he broke into sobbing again, helpless sobbing pure with emotion, which left Nick kind of shocked.

„I'm... I'm sorry for being a dick.“, the taller blonde spoke out and moved towards the bed sitting down on its side, stretching his legs and putting his palms behind himself onto the blanket. He looked at Brian, who still was staring at the television screen and didn't really give him a direct answer and instead sighed deeply. „Remember back when it all started? You were Frack and I was Frick and it seemed like the whole wide world was at our feet? Do you remember?“ Brian sunk his head into his palms after speaking those words, simply letting those tears run down his cheek and drop onto his sweater. „Nick, I just want to be the same guy I was all those years ago again. I want to sing again without being ashamed of myself.“, he started to sob helpless and Nick couldn't help it, those words, they touched his heart and made him stand up again, to walk over to his former best friend.

„Brian...“, he would move behind the couch, kneel down and put his arms around his friends neck. „It's alright. Everything will be fine.“ If you truly believe in it you could beat every challenge you had to face in your life or at least that was what Nick thought. It simply just wouldn't work out if you didn't believe in it and Nick did want Brian to have the necessary amount of hope to overcome his issue.

 

Brian on the other hand was more pessimistic, of course Nick could tell him these things, because he wasn't in his body, because he didn't feel what Brian did, when he sang. How his throat felt sore, how he was just not able to produce the same notes, that he had been able to produce in the past. All that really made him feel melancholic: „How could it even come that far? Why me? Why do I have to have all the issues all the time. My heart, then the flu and now my voice that doesn't recover. I have been trying Nick, I really have, but nothing helped me and that since years.“ He would stare Nick down trying to force his words into his head, he was not really sure if he understood the situation. How could he, if anything Nick had improved in singing over the years, he was better at it than ever before. 

Then again, maybe he did understand it, after all there had been a time, where Nick hadn't been the kind of singer he was today. Brian remembered that time, where it had been Nick that people criticized for his vocal quality and how he felt the media was unfair to the blonde guy who back then simply had been a teenager. If you thought about it, it was kind of weird how those things changed. And there was something else, that changed. When he thought back of those days, he remembered how he and Nick, how they had been Frick and Frack undividable, the best buddys, they had been so close and now he felt kind of distant to that boy, who had grown to become a man. 

„Tell me why are we not like we were anymore? We used to be best friends...“, Brian just had to bring it up since the thought grew really stong on his mind, he missed those times. The surprise that was written in Nicks face when he spoke those words, kind of made him frown, had he never thought about the same? Had he never felt like something was missing? Something they once had? It made him fear, that their friendship had never been as important to Nick as it had been to himself. He would keep looking at him, because if he didn't watch him now, he probably would never find out the answer to his question.

After a moment Nicks expression changed and his voice sounded quite sad when he started to speak again „Oh, Brian. Things sometimes just change for no reason. But there were reasons, why we grew apart.“ Before he spoke on Nick hesitated for a moment and took a step backwards, so he was able to face Brian better and look straight into his eyes. „You were with your family, I was doing that show with my siblings. All in all we had so much to do with ourselves, that we simply didn't have the time for each other anymore. That is why we grew apart.“, his words had caught Brians attention, who was now looking up to him. 

„But you know I miss those times too, alot. We were a great team, Frick and Frack...“, he grinned and started to move around the couch to take a seat next to Brian turning his body to him and giving him a gentle smile. He was still trying to cheer Brian up, cause he did not like to see him sad. And it was true, they used to get along so well and if he really thought of it, he would not mind those times to come back. „Who says we can't try to bring back things to how they were again?“, that smile was still on his face and Brian couldn't help but to respond with one of his own: „That would be great, I would love to hang out more with you again, like back then, when it was just you and me against the world...“, he even chuckled now, wiping some tears away, but that chuckle wouldn't last long and his expression darkened, when he remembered, that even tho being friends again might be an easy thing, there were other things, which couldn't be solved quite as quickly: „We can be Frick and Frack again, but nothing can bring back my voice, it has been like this for 5 years.“

Nick had to sigh, since now it was obvious, that Brian had given up on himself: „If you think about it like that it is no wonder, that you are still having problems. Brian, look at me!“, and he would stare at the other, til he caught those eyes, still rimmed in a reddish colour from the tears he had cried: „I know you can conquer that issue of yours. You simply have to, what would we Backstreet Boys be, without your voice? You are our power.“ But despite Nicks best efforst, Brian simply couldn't smile, since it was really hard for him to believe what the other was saying. Sadness was written all over his face, he was really without any hope. „C'mon just don't give up on everything, you won't be able to achieve anything like that. And you know what I will help you to sing again.“, Nick would move over to lightly nudge Brians shoulder.  


That move produced a weak smile on Brians face, but it soon faded and was replaced by him pressing his lips to a line and looking down to the fabric the couch was made of: „Help me?“, Nick nodded, „That's what friends are for...“ - „But how?“, Brian looked confused, he had tried everything, medicine, vocal training, just nothing had really brought him any closer to his goal, so he wasn't really sure how Nick could change anything about that. „Don't worry, I wouldn't say that I'll help you if I didn't have a plan. So tomorrow at 1pm?!“, Nick grinned confidently and patted Brians back, he didn't even wait for his answer to the question, it had been rhetorically anyway, instead he just stood up and left Brians room, leaving the man sitting and brooding about the words that had just been said.


	2. In The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It is as much of a mental thing, as it is a physical thing." "You have to believe in it, else it will never come true"

Nick didn't remember the exact date, when he had first heard Brian sing, but he definitly remembered how he had felt when that voice reached his ears. Back then goosebumps had travelled up his arms and caused him to shiver. That voice, it had impressed him greatly and even tho AJ had been a completely amazing singer as well, Nick always wanted to sing like Brian. He had been his idol in these early days not only the singing impressed him, no Brian was also cool, good-looking and great at sports as well, the perfect guy.

At the very beginning back then, they had been distant as well. How could anyone be close to someone they idolized as much? He had been afraid of rejection, so he had chosen to stay away and watch from a distance. It would have probably stayed that way if his idol had not noticed his teenage worries. Brian had been the one that approached him to break the ice. Thinking back of that he could only smirk. He remembered, that he had been just as frozen standing infront of Brian as some fangirls were today, when they spoke to any of the Backstreet Boys. How silly he must have looked standing there like a statue and looking up to Brian, like he was some kind of a god? Even today thinking back on that occasion resulted in Nick blushing, it had simply been that embarassing.

As they finally had started to talk tho Brian turned out to be the nicest guy he ever met and he definitly wasn't as scary as Kevin. Infact he had been and still was an amazingly funny and great guy. They had spent much of their time together, approaching the fans, playing basketball and videogames or just simply hanging out. Personality wise, he always was so much closer to Brian than he was to any of the other guys. They had been known as the pranksters and annoyed the rest of the group enough to get nicknames: Frick and Frack, they even had beanies reading those names.

It were fun and simple times, without worries, they had been young and had not seen, how the world was working yet. How it was grinding on you day by day with things that simply weren't fair. Why was it always Brian that got sick? Nick had been doing so many unhealthy things to himself, but he had gotten away with surface scratches. Brian on the other hand - despite always living a healthy life - had been through open-heart-surgery, the swine-flu and now was hit with those vocal issues. He didn't deserve it, none of it, his heart was made of gold and yet sickness kept falling upon him like a heavy hammer, it was simply unfair. Then again, this world wasn't fair, it wasn't fair that his sister had died of drugs either. He blamed himself for it, he had been a bad example, living his life on the fast lane. It wasn't fair, that he had survived his expeditions in that area, while she had died. It wasn't fair, that he himself always got away with everything, while everybody around him seemed to suffer.

Brian probably saw it all as a test from that big all-seeing god of his, but Nick wasn't a deep believer. If there was a god, why did he need to put them through all that pain? He didn't like tests that involved pain, no matter if they came from heavenly beings or humans. Even if it was a test, in his opinion Brian had suffered more than enough.

It was sad, but Nick was also aware, that staring at the ceiling had never solved any problems. Laying around and thinking about things that lay in the past, wouldn't bring you any closer to your goals of your future. If you wanted to change the future you needed to act in the here and now and he was prepared to just do that. He was about to meet Brian, 13:00 was approaching quickly and everything he needed for their first session was already laying on the table. He was ready and as he heard a knock at the door it was obvious that Brian had kept his promise to show up early. „Come in!“, it was time to get out the CD he had prepared, so he walked over to the table to grab it. As Brian stepped into the room, Nick put the CD into his stereo, before turning around to face his longtime friend.

„So, what will we be doing?“, his guest had his hands in his pockets and was examining the room, stepping slowly up towards him. „Singing Brian, singing...“, he pointed at the empty CD-cover in his hand. „What did you think?“, seriously what had he been thinking? Brian was standing there like a school boy, shy and confused, with those puppy dog eyes. „Dunno, play videogames?“, he couldn't help but grin, before he eyed the CD. „You know how I sound...“, Brian spoke bitterly and let his shoulders hang. Seeing how sad Brian had been, when they met the day before, the pessimism didn't come unexpected, but Nick wouldn't let that stop him in his plan.

„Yeah I know how you sound, but I also know how you sounded in the past. And I want that voice back idiot, I'm a fucking egoist...“, and he would poke his finger onto Brians forehead, who in turn started to blush. As Nick noticed that he pulled his hand back again, that was not the reaction he had been going for and he didn't understand it at all. For a moment he was confused and didn't know what to do. Why did Brian blush all of a sudden? Was it embarassment? Brian gave him a shy look, then he definitly seemed embarassed, maybe that was it. Or maybe he was just afraid, that he would judge him? That was possible too. His friend didn't like failure and was afraid of humiliation. But whatever it was, it didn't seem like Brian wanted to talk about it, since he turned his head away and tried to hide that redness of his cheek. Nick respected that choice, he didn't plan on forcing Brian to stand up to his fears about humiliation yet, that would have been too early, it was just their first session. So instead of asking questions, that wouldn't lead them on a good path, he just turned around to switch the stereo on.

„ _It starts with_ _one thing, I don't know why It doesn't even matter how hard you try, Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme to explain in due time...“_

When the song started plaiyng out of the speakers Nick looked back at Brian, who in turn gave him a questioning look: „Linkin Park? You do not want me to rap do you?“, he nodded towards the stereo, while the voice of Mike Shinoda was rapping down the lines in that song. „All part of your therapy. All that matters are the lyrics. But don't worry you don't need to rap, you'll be doing Chester...“, Nick grinned as a picture came to his head „And I don't mean it that way. You'll sing his lines and I'll rap. I'm way better than you in that anyway.“ 

Brian still seemed skeptical, but Nick just grabbed two bottles from the table putting one to his mouth as if it was a microphone and holding the other one out to his friend. 

„ _Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme. To remind myself how I tried so hard In spite of the way you were mocking me.“_

And he would start with the rapping, giving it his all, while looking at his friend, who still kind of stared at him at disbelief. He wasn't singing, even as Chester started, Brian was still silent causing Nick frowned: „You won't get any better if you don't give things a chance. C'mon Brian sing!“, he challenged him, his voice getting louder in the end of the sentence, making him kinda sound like the sea witch in Disneys Arielle. Different than her tho, he was doing this to actually help someone. „Sing!“

Finally Brians hesitation was broken and as the next singing part approached, he actually grabbed the bottle from Nick and started to use his voice: _„_ _I've put my trust in you_ _p_ _ushed as far as I can go_ _a_ _nd for all this_ _t_ _here's only one thing you should know“_ , he sang and it actually didn't sound all that bad for the first few notes until he started to fall off key. Brian heard himself failing and his expression spoke of his disappointment in himself. Nick was aware of it, he was pretty good in reading his friends expressions after all those years, but he didn't mention it, they just needed to keep going.He would observe Brian, but nodded to the sound of the drums. Soon the song was over, but since Nick had put it on repeat, they only had a few seconds to speak to each other:„Not bad man, keep going, alright?“, he was trying to cheer him up, trying to keep him from giving up. Brian just huffed and came closer to Nick. „What are you even trying to achieve?“, that had been the wrong question and as the song was starting over Nick shook his head in disapproval: „It is not about what I want to achieve Brian, this is all about you. Listen to the lyrics.“, the rap started over and Nick started to rhyme into his bottle staring into Brians eyes. 

He hoped Brian would trust him enough to keep going and was relieved when he actually brought the bottle up to his mouth when the singing part started again. _„I tried so hard and got so far But in the end it doesn't even matter I had to fall to lose it all_ _b_ _ut in the end it doesn't even matter.“_ , Brian gave it his best, but this time he did what Nick said and listened to the lyrics. _I tried so hard?_ He always had tried to be at his best, had always tried to move forward for himself and for the group and indeed they had gotten so far. But did it really not matter? He looked at Nick and shook his head, he didn't like this and the next line was pushing an invisible knife into his heart, he had fallen, he lost it all, but really. Brian moved past Nick to put the stereo on pause: „Does it really not matter Nick? Does it not matter to you? Does it not matter to me? The lyrics, that's what they are saying.“, he frowned and felt angry, while he wondered what Nick was trying to tell tell him. „Infact that is just it: everything you lost it really doesn't matter Brian.“, that answer felt like someone smacked him right in the face. Hearing Nick speak like that, it hurt. „Maybe my vocal issues don't matter for you. But they DO matter for me, Nick.“, he moved closer and his voice was spoken loud and firmly into the other guys face. Nick was unphazed. „It shouldn't, fuck it if you fell, just stand up again. Fuck it if you lost it all, just gain it all back.“, he stared into Brians eyes again and tried to get his message across. For a momen it seemed like they were about to go at each others throats, Brian was clenching his jaw and Nick had put his shoulders up in quite an aggressive stance, but then Brian fell back.

„Heck you are right...“, Brian took a deep breath and looked at Nick, sighing softly as he silently pushed the Play-Button again. „I want to hear you sing!“, the blonde huffed and went on with the rap. Then it came again, the final singing part: _„_ _I've put my trust in you_ _p_ _ushed as far as I can go_ _a_ _nd for all this_ _t_ _here's only one thing you should know“_ Brian thoughtfully eyed Nick as he sang, definitly sounding better than the first time around. He was thankful for the help Nick was giving him. It was a hopeless case tho and if it had not been Nick who had asked him to do this, he would have probably denied it. Friendship however could move mountains and he really wanted to change for the better. He wouldn't have simply taken any straw, but he trusted in this one. And so they went on, for seconds, minutes, hours, time was a floating concept in their space, Brian was really getting into it, keeping his eyes on Nick as he kept rapping down the text again and again, he just wanted to use everything in his power to make this duet worthwile. He didn't want to disappoint Nick, he had put so much thought into all this. Even tho Brian wasn't sure how much further it would take him, he was willing to walk this path.

Several hours later, they felt like they had sung _'In The End'_ several thousand times and Nick was actually feeling quite hoarse. It did not bother him tho, because the important thing was, that it had worked out. Brian had constantly improved over the course of their session, of course he still was nothing close to his angelic voice from back in the days, but Rome wasn't built in one day either.They would need to work more than one day to fix an issue, that had been existing for 5 years already. „You did a good job.“, he praised his older friend with words, that came from his heart, and moved closer to give him a pat on the shoulder. „I tell you tho the next song won't have rap in it.“, he huffed in exhaustion and Brian laughed.

„Thank you Nick. I had fun. Actually wished it would have lasted longer.“, it really had been an enjoyable experience. It had felt good to be around Nick and it had felt good to sing with him, in a different way, than they had done all those years together in the band. Actually Brian couldn't remember the time, he had this much fun. It probably had long before his marriage, back in his crazy years. „Will we repeat it?“, he leaned his upper body forward lightly, putting his face closer to Nick, who nodded in a response. „Sure, but next time in your room!“, and he winked, before putting a hand to Brians chest. At first Brian didn't think much of it, but then Nick grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer to whisper something into his ear: „But for now I'm gonna take you to my bed.... for payment you know?“

Those words shocked Brian, he wasn't actually sure if Nick was being serious, but alone that question was enough to draw pictures into his mind. „W-what are you talking about?“, Brian sounded agitated and he pushed Nick away, much more forcefully, than he had actually planned on doing, forcefully enough to make his friend stumble and fall onto the ground. Forcefully enough to hurt Nick, who groaned up in pain. He had fallen hard on his butt and was now staring at Brian in disbelief. Now it was Nicks turn to look shocked, he didn't understand Brians harsh reaction, „I was just joking...“, he mouthed, still not believing what just happened, it hurt and it was hurting in more than one ways. Brian had never hurt him before, most certainly not on purpose, so this was a first and since he could not even grasp why, the shock of it all went deep into his heart. „You hurt me...“, he tasted every one of these words on his lips before he spoke them out and he didn't dare to move a bit. 

By now Brian regretted pushing Nick. He had not planned on hurting him, but in that moment he had acted in an instinct, the pictures that came to his mind, he didn't want them. Now Nick was giving him that look and he felt his stomach turn around, he felt like a monster. He would have hunted down everyone who just did as much as pulling Nicks hair and now he had been the one, who had caused him pain and that after a day like this, where he had done so much to try and help him. „I'm sorry...“, it was really all he could say, looking to the ground, he really felt sorry and he felt Nick getting angry, felt him staring and frowning at him. All he really could think of doing was to flee and that he did, muttering a quick: „I better go...“, before downright running out of the room, leaving Nick sitting dumbfounded on the ground.

Why did everything so good, always need to end like this? It was all his fault and as Brian finally entered his room, he threw himself onto his bed to let the emotions get the better of him.


	3. Million Miles Away From Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time tho, the lights were out and he was hopeless, there was nothing to hold on but the darkness that did creep inside of these walls, inside of his head and inside of his heart.

For what it's worth, at least now he could be alone. Things had been awkward between him and Nick since that fateful day, that had started so well, but ended so badly. Since that day, they had been avoiding each other, Brian did not even dare to look at Nick in fear of those blue eyes. He didn't want to risk meeting them with his own, didn't want to give him the chance to read his secrets.

There were too many of those hidden inside that skull of his, secrets he had kept for years, which he never planned on sharing. Nick had been right when he said, that there were reasons why they grew apart, but Brian knew better than him, which kind of reasons that were. And there he had started to hope, things had changed and were different from all those years back, but it seemed, that some things just never changed.

This time tho, the lights were out and he was hopeless, there was nothing to hold on but the darkness that did creep inside of these walls, inside of his head and inside of his heart. Everlasting darkness, that clouded, what once was shining brightness, what had been dripping with happiness, was now drowned in sadness. On the outside, the only light was coming from the TV, colouring his face in a pale blue tone.

The screen was showing him pictures of all the glorious years, that had passed. He wasn't even sure how old he was in those pictures. How much younger must he have been? Nineteen? Twenty? Certainly much younger and more naive, than he was today. How silly he had been, picking up plush toys, being silly and acting like he was hyperactive. Drunken on screams of girls nearly half his age, the boys had been stars. They still were, but back then, when it all started, it had been so hard to believe.

It had been exciting times, back then in the beginning, when they didn't even understand what was happening to them. One day they had just been normal boys nobody cared for, the next they were the Backstreet Boys, superstars, that had girls screaming for them. It had been quite overwhelming and so hard to understand, for all of them, particulary him, Nick and AJ, they had not even finished their school, when those pictures had been captured.

Nick was on the video too, wearing a much too larger sweater, like he often had in that time. They were having fun, Nick was holding some box full of toothbrushes, which had been thrown across the fence. They had been good buddys back then, it was before he had secrets, simpler times. If only things could have stayed like they were back in those days, when there were no worries on their mind, when they were carried by the first wave of their success.

But where some things stayed the same other things changed and he noticed it when the video showed a new clip, one that had been filmed 3 years later, 1998. _'And this is where we do our makeup...'_ , Nick was talking to the camera, his face still sparkling of youth. He had been filming alot in these days, but Brian remembered the exact occasion of this particular video.

There it was, Nick was turning the camera, then he noticed Brians younger self. It had been right after one of their shows. _'Brian?'_ , maybe he should have just died back then. The camera was soon pointing at his younger self, he was panting and he was pale and sweaty. ' _Oh my god Brian are you alright?'_ , Nick was moving towards him in the video. _'I'm fine...'_ , the response had been a lie, he hadn't told them about his heart yet, didn't want them to worry, didn't want to be a bother to them. Nick knew he was lieing and he had placed the camera down to take a place next to him. _'No, you are not!'_ , and Nick had touched his forehead, making his younger self freeze in motion. _'You got_ _a_ _fever Brian'_ , watching the scenes Brian just had to shake his head.

That had been the beginning of the secrets, he remembered the exact thoughts he had back then, when Nick had leaned over his younger self to gently touch his forehead. Coming so close all Brian had seen were those lips, speaking words, they seemed so inviting, he had wanted to touch them in that moment. But at the same time he had known, that it would have been wrong. It would have destroyed their relationship in so many ways. As he watched his younger self standing up and walking away from Nick, to leave the room it seemed quite rude. But knowing the reason why he did it, it had simply been him running away, just like he always did.

Since then Brian had occasionally wondered, what had happened if he had indeed kissed Nick back then. He had come to the conclusion, that first of all it would have destroyed their friendship. Nick was into girls and getting kissed by the guy he considered to be his best friend, that would have probably made things more than awkward from then on.

Secondly, if Leighanne would have found out about it, she would have left him. Baylee would have never been born, which alone made him realize, that his decision back then had been the right one.

Thirdly how would he have explained himself to the rest of his family?

He had a pretty good idea about religion, he believed in god, but he also believed in the fact that he loved everyone, straight or not. Brian wasn't sure tho, if his family shared his thoughts, about these topics and family was really important to him.

He had come to the conclusion, that it was good, that things happened exactly the way the did. But he wondered, why he was so sad now. Why was his heart hurting so much thinking about it, rationally all he had done was right. Emotionally tho, watching himself flee was something he could not simply accept. Emotionally he wished, that he had taken the opportunity and the risk. Maybe things would have turned out different then, but who said that was a bad thing? Maybe he would have been happier now.

Those thoughts made him throw his palms against the side of his head. „Shut up...“, he whispered. There were not really voices in his head, but the thoughts were loud enough, that they didn't need to speak. He was an egoist to have thoughts like that.

What about Baylee? How could he have been happy without his son? He didn't even want to imagine a life without him. It made him angry, angry that he could not have been happy one way or the other. It made him angry to be the mess he had been the last weeks. That anger, he had never felt it as strong as in this very moment.

Always when he looked at Nick he remembered it. Those lips, he still couldn't help but staring at them. Everytime they were alone he felt nervous, worried that he would do something, that wasn't in his control, like the time in Nicks room. He should have known, that Nick had only been joking, but he didn't want to know that. Subconciously, he had wished his friends words had been serious.

Then he had blushed and that meant, that all those secrets had been easy to read on his cheek. But he didn't want Nick to read them, he was afraid of how he would react to them. He was afraid of rejection, so when he had shoved Nick away it had been for his own protection.

For what it was worth, he was now alone. But he realized, that things weren't really better, than they would have been if Nick had rejected him. They weren't talking to each other now, they were even avoiding each other. His best friend was staying in the same house as he was, but yet it felt like he was a million miles away.

In that moment he wondered what Nick was doing, was he feeling pissed about all this too? Was he even missing him? Or was he spending his time with the others? Thinking about it made him pout and he was just about to make a decision whether or not to seek out his friend, when he heard a knock on the door.

„Brian?“, quickly he turned off the TV, it was Kevins voice that was speaking to him through the wood. „Huh?“, he finally answered, raising up from where he was sitting to make his way to the door and unlock it. „We're discussing, which bands to include as warm-up acts for the tour, you coming?“

His cousin sounded like he wasn't sure what Brians answer would be. Since he had been locked up in his room for most of the day, that probably was no wonder. Even now he wasn't really sure if he wanted to go, it would mean seeing Nick after all. On the other hand tho he was curious and had the intention to bring up his own ideas to the discussion.

So he finally answered, „Yeah, I guess..“, and proceeded to open the door. He was greeted by his cousin looking at him with a frown. „And I thought you didn't want to be part of the group anymore.“, he examined him critical and Brian could only blink. He didn't know where that came from. Kevin had been the one to leave them behind. Brian was very well aware, that his voice wasn't what it used to be, but not one second had he thought to leave the group. It simply wouldn't work that way, he knew his fans would be heartbroken, if he did that. All he could do was giving Kevin an irritated stare, before walking past him towards the stairs. „Won't do you that favor, Kev!“, he said sarcastically as he approached the steps, Kevin just shrugged.

As they made her way into the living room Brian could spot, that the other guys were already there. AJ was sitting in an armchair, while Nick and Howie sat opposite to each other on the two couches. All Brian could really do was press his lips to a line as he sat down next to Howie. Still avoiding to look at Nick, he looked at Kevin instead. Now this would be an intresting discussion, he was kinda curious what warm-up-bands the other guys would suggest.


	4. Mein Herz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That was unexpected, he couldn't understand, why Brian all of a sudden wanted to hug him, when they had been arguing only seconds ago.

They had been sitting around the table for about half an hour, without really progressing much. Of course Brian had suggested Baylee as an opener for their concert and they had all agreed on that, but they had not found anybody else who they all agreed on. In the end it wasn't their decision anyway. Of course they could pick people, who they would like to open the concert for them. But it was their management, who would ask the artists if they even wanted to go on concert with them. If none of their choices would be intrested, the management would pick different bands. It had been like that on their last tours. It didn't happen often, that the bands they wanted to open for them, actually ended up opening for them. But still, it was their chance to influence, who might be rockong the stage with them on their tour.

Nick was looking at Brian. It made him sad, that the older singer had been ignoring him all evening, avoiding to even look at him. He was regretting the stupid stuff he had said to Brian after their training session, on the other hand he couldn't understand how he could be so angry about it. It had been a joke. Even if it had been a bad joke it still had been a joke and Brian had no right to shun him for that. All he had ever wanted to do was to help him. It was a bit disappointing, that Brian didn't seem to see it that way.

No matter what had gotten into Brians mind tho, Nick wouldn't give up so easily. It was a mission and after all it was for the group. The Backstreet Boys needed the recovery of that voice just as much as Brian himself needed it. Without it their quintett was incomplete. Without it, their harmony wasn't harmonic anymore. Without it, Nick would never feel goosebumps running up and down his skin anymore, while being on stage. That voice had done that to him, making him shudder in awe again and again. He missed it, as much as he missed the Brian of days long passed. 

It was not only his voice that had changed, his whole being had changed. He wasn't as fun anymore as he used to be, sometimes he was even quite dark. It had been like that long before his friend had lost his voice. He couldn't remember the exact date when it started, but where once had been happiness, all that was left now was this deep sadness in Brians eyes. Even tho on the outside, he was still as silly, as he always had been, Nick knew it was all a mask. 

„Nick?“, AJ had leaned over to him giving him a nudge and pointing at Kevin. „What?“, he looked irritated from AJ to Kevin and back. „I asked you something.“, Kevin said, making him blink. Nick had not heard it, because he had been lost in his thoughts about Brian. „Huh?“ he would give Kevin a confused look, making the older man sigh. „Don't you have any suggestions? You haven't said anything at all yet, Nick.“, as Kevin was staring him down Nick sighed. „I got one suggestion, but I am not sure if you will like it.“, Nick said leaning forward lightly. „Tokio Hotel.“, he spoke out the words that had been on his mind since he entered the room.

From the silence that followed he knew, that his suggestion was not really a popular one. He even could feel Brians eyes on him. So now he was looking? Nick raised his head to meet his gaze, but it was only a short pleasure, cause as soon as their eyes met Brian turned his head away to look at AJ instead. „What the heck?“, AJ spoke what they all thought and huffed. „It's just... Their singer had problems with his voice, too. Maybe he could help Brian.“, Nick spoke and pressed his lips to a line. He felt silly all of a sudden and the awkward silence that followed, didn't do much to make him feel better about his words.

Again he felt Brians eyes resting on him, but this time he didn't look back. „Another one of your plans, Nick?“, Brian finally spoke to him, „Nick, you aren't a vocal therapist, neither is that Tokio Hotel guy. You don't even have a clue what I need.“

Nick heard Brians sigh and he couldn't help to feel slightly pissed, „At least I am trying to do something Brian. What have you been doing, except for sitting in your room sulking all day?“, he felt how he was getting louder. Why were the arguing again? He hated arguing, he didn't want to argue, but these last days, all they ever spoke about ended with them being at each others throats. If Brian would just listen to him: „How can you be sure, that it won't help you if you haven't even tried it?“, Nick turned his head and tried to stare Brian down, but the other was frowning deeply now. 

„Nick, it's enough. I don't want to hear about it anymore. I don't need anybody to talk to. I don't need your singing lessons. Don't you think I tried all that already?“, he gave a frustrated kind of grunt, „Why do you feel the need to turn the focus of this discussion onto my voice again?“, he noticed how Brian was trying to get louder, but in the end his voice left him again, leaving his words pressed out and breathy.

He looked down to the table, „But I just want to help you Brian.“, he mumbled, sounding a little sad. It was unfair of Brian to be angry with him. Finally he couldn't take it anymore, so he started to shout as loud as he possibly could: „Stop pushing me away, for fucks sake!“ It hurt him alot, that Brian was so stubborn, just as much as it hurt him, that Brian seemed to believe, that the words Nick had said to him in his room, had been actually been serious. Why couldn't they be the way they had been years ago? He had wondered about that alot recently. Brian was looking away again and Nick could feel the eyes of his other bandmates drifting between the two of them.

„I think... you two seriously need to talk...“, Howie said at last and stood up. „If we want this to work, we need you two not acting like teenagers.“, the older man folded his hands behind his head, then started to walk out of the room. „He's kind of right. It's frustrating when we need to talk business and you two start to argue all the time.“, Kevin agreed and gave them a stare down, before nodding to AJ, „Let's Go, we can continue this talk tomorrow.“ Both AJ and Kevin stood up, just like Howie had done before, they seemed to be disappointed and Nick could perfectly understand why they were frustrated, but he didn't know what he could do to mend this situation.

As the others left the room it were only him, Brian and the ever-present melancholic silence left inside. The older singer was staring at the table now, there was this expression of regret written all over his face and he seemed to be thinking. At least he was not leaving, even if he wasn't talking, that was a good sign. The fact, that he didn't leave meant to Nick, that he was ready to listen to what he had to say: „Brian... I'm wondering what has gotten into you. I mean... I am sorry for what I said, you know? But it was only a joke, you know that right?“, he tilted his head to the side as if to underline his question, Brian nodded. „Then why are you avoiding me?“, Nick asked and he wanted to say more but he stopped when he saw that Brian standing up from the couch. „Where are you going?“, there was still no response. 

It was a confusing situation for Nick, it didn't seem like Brian wanted to leave the room, he was just standing there a while staring at the table. „Why are you not talking?“, it was kind of annoying, too. They wouldn't be able to put their problems aside, if Nick was the only one doing the talking. But things only got more confusing, when Brian started to walk over to him. „Brian, say something...“, he kept urging him, what was his friend up to? Did he want to punch him? Brian was shivering and stepping closer in slow steps, one by one. Nick moved backwards lightly. „You're freakin...“, he wanted to tell Brian, that he was being creepy, but he stopped speaking as the other man finally was close enough to act. 

One moment later Brian put his finger ontp Nicks lips and a „Psssh...“, was whispered into his right ear. The older man sat down next to him, but it wasn't over. As soon as Brian was sitting he moved his body to lean over Nick. Why was Brian so close all of a sudden? And why did he feel his cheeks getting warm as he felt that closeness? Again Nick wondered, what had gotten into his friend, as he noticed, how the older man put one hand onto his shoulder, the other one against his waist, pulling him into a hug.

That was unexpected, he couldn't understand, why Brian all of a sudden wanted to hug him, when they had been arguing only seconds ago. There were many things in this moment, that he didn't understand. While Brian was nuzzling against his shoulders hiding his face, Nick was getting nervous. He had felt himself blushing, but he didn't know why, after all this was his best friend he who had his arms around him. They had hugged before and often, but something about this hug right now, made him feel all kinds of confused. 

„I'm sorry, Nick...“, he heard Brian whisper against his shoulder, and as he turned his head to face him, he could see that he was crying. „It is not your fault, that things are the way they are or that some things never change. I shouldn't have been pushing you away. But it's for the best, can't you see that?“ Suddenly Brian shifted his position pushing Nick lightly down onto the couch. He was hovering above him now, the ceiling lamp illuminating his back, masking his facial features in shadows. With Brian on top of him like that Nick was frozen, when he realized how the speed of his heartbeat was increasing. He still couldn't understand what was going on, he was so nervous and confused, that it rendered him completely unable to do or say anything. Brian was his friend, he shouldn't be feeling, what he was feeling right now. The things he was feeling, were things you should only feel for your lover. 

His eyes were wide open when he felt Brian touch his lip. It made him gasp and made him bend his back against the pillows. Brian was staring down into his eyes, while his finger trailed along Nicks lip, to feel the shape of it. It felt good, but Nick was too overwhelmed to show how he felt. So all he did was laying on the couch as if he was frozen, meeting the others gaze with his own. What was going on with both of them? There was electricity in the air for sure, but they weren't supposed to do these kind of things with each other. Maybe Brian had thought the same, because suddenly he moved off of him, sitting up straight and next to him again. „Can't you see, why I need to push you away?“, and he stared at him, making Nick gasp yet again, when he understood what Brian had meant. 

„It's better that way...“, and there was this incredible sadness speaking out of his friends words, that said more, than the actual words had said by themselves. „It's better for all of us, if I stay away from you as far as possible. It's particulary better for you and for me.“, he smiled softly, but his eyes were revealing how sad he truely felt. It was a hearbreaking picture, that made Nick sit up again to put a hand on his friends shoulder. It was all he could do, since he was still at a loss of words. But as soon as he touched Brians shoulder, the older man shook it off and stood up. „Don't touch me!“, his words shot a dagger into Nicks heart. „Thank you for worrying about me and my voice, tho. I'll get me some help from a doctor. Someone who actually knows about vocal chords.“, when Brian spoke these words it was like he twisted that dagger, that was now stuck in Nicks heart. It was painful to hear him speak like that, it felt like he was not honest in his appreciation of Nicks attempts to help him. Of course Nick didn't know shit about vocal chord therapy, but he had still attempted to help his friend, because he had actually believed, that he could be of help for him. It probably didn't matter now, since all he could see was Brians back, he didn't even see his expression. The only thing he saw were his movements and the steps he made towards the door. Brian was leaving.

It hurt, but there was nothing he could say or do to stop him. Nick didn't even know what words he could speak. Right now, there were so many thoughts on his mind, that it was hard to put them in order. At the moment he didn't even know how to feel. Should he be flustered by Brian earlier advances? Should he be weirded out, that his heart beat so fast for a man, who used to be his best friend? Should he be angry about Brian, being mean? Should he angry about him running away like he always did? He felt all of it at once, so he could really only stare, as the door opened and Brian stepped out. There was the same dumbfounded expression on his face, that had been there, the last time Brian had run away. But this time he was hurting and more confused. 

He didn't know when, how or why it could have come to this. If he was true to himself, he wasn't even exactly sure about what Brian was feeling either. It was definitly attraction of some kind, he had seen that in Brians eyes when he had looked up into them. One thing was certain tho: thinking about it now was definitly not helping, since it made the anger rise up inside of him. Nick just couldn't believe the way Brian had left him sitting here alone, especially after the kind of words he had thrown at him: „You're a fucking asshole Brian Littrell!“, he shouted out his frustration and lowered his head down onto his palms, covering his eyes. „Fuck, Fuck, Fuck....“, he punched the couch pillow, before throwing himself onto his stomach. All those feelings, they were mixing up, but both sadness and anger were overwhelming all other emotion and drove tears into his eyes. How could Brian just leave him like that? Why did he always have to be such a coward?


	5. Incomplete

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frick and Frack were dead, it was over, Nick would never forgive him.

Frick and Frack were dead, it was over, Nick would never forgive him.  
Darkness, it was like suddenly the sun, the moon and all the stars had vanished. There was nothing shining for him anymore. Nothing was bright enough to lighten his mood. He didn't even know, how he could ever make light again. He felt so numb, empty, void of any emotion, he couldn't even shed any tears anymore. All of them had long been shed. 

The room was as dark as his soul felt, the curtains heavy and thick had been pulled infront of the windows for days. He had denied to leave the room, didn't want to see anybody, nor speak to anybody. He just kept his door locked, for anybody, that would have tried to pull him out of this swamp. Brian was sure, that even if they tried in the end he would only sink deeper into this hole.

Regrets and worries were covering his heart with a thick blanket. He was embarassed and afraid. Two days had passed since he had basically admitted having feelings for Nick. The words he had spoken then, the things he had done, Brian felt ashamed for it. It had been better when these things still had been his secrets. Now he just didn't want to see Nick anymore, not even from the distance. He had driven them apart by what happened in that room. But it was not like he knew anything else, that he could have done. 

He was sure, that he was on the right path to save his family, it was just so painful. Of course he wouldn't find happiness wearing the mask of Leighannes loving husband, but he had been willing to sacrifice his happiness for Baylees sake. But now he found it hard to continue on this path, he felt like a part of him was missing. There was no other way he could have gone to keep his family going. If he had stayed with Nick, he sooner or later would have left Leighanne heart-broken. But why did it feel so hard? 

All that was on his mind was Nick, from the first breath in the morning, to the last gasp of the evening. The youngest member of their band, his best friend, the guy he had fallen for, it was like his face was sent to torture him night and day. Brian was being rational by staying away from him, since his emotions told him to just run to him to declare his undying love. If he followed his emotions, he would try to win him over, in the end tho he kept himself in check. It was better that way. That is what he kept repeating to himself. Maybe he would start to believe in it if he just repeated it often enough.

Never before had he felt so torn. The worst part was, that he was certain, that Nick hated him for what he had done. Maybe he was even disgusted by him and his advances. And even if he was not disgusted, he surely at least would be weirded out. Perhaps he even would tell the others. Tell them how Brian was gay and how it creeped him out. That thought was one of the horrors that kept hunting his mind and kept him locked in the room, he didn't want to face anyone, that might judge him. All he wanted to be, was alone.

At least the darkness didn't hurt him, it kept him save, nobody could see him when he used it as a blanket to hide. He didn't want to be seen, because he did not plan to share his suffering. He was drinking melancholy and spitting sadness. It all made no sense anymore. He avoided his friends and he couldn't even sing. Why was he even still part of this band? He was only a burden. Kevin had been right, he didn't want to be part of the group anymore. They were better off without him. 

If he simply wasn't there, Nick wouldn't need to try and make him better constantly. Without him Nick would not need to feel awkward around him. The four of them could just go on alone. Infact, right now Brian was certain, that it was pretty much the only way for them to survive.

He had given up trying to be what he was not anymore. Without his voice, he was no singer, all he had been those last years, was the clown, that was hiding his sadness behind a mask. A mask that had helped him fool many people. No journalist had written about his voice yet, because he was so good in acting. But a clown was not worth a dime, in a vocal harmony group.

The longer he stayed in the darkness, the more certain he became with his decision. It was not the only one he had made. But the only one he could take care of right now. 

When he pushed himself off the bed, there was that determination on his face, that made him seem years older than he was. The brightness, that made him narrow his eyes, when he opened the door, wouldn't be strong enough to keep him away this time. If he didn't do this now, he would never find the strength again, to do, what he believed was best. His steps lead him straight to the living room, where he knew the guys would be hanging this time of the day, watching TV.

And infact he found AJ and Kev sitting on the couch, he didn't see Nick or Howie anywhere tho, not that he minded, not seeing Nick, it made things easier. As he walked into the doorframe, he caught their attention, that was good, because he didn't feel like making and entrance speech to get it. There were two words he wanted to say and without waiting any longer he just spelled them out: „I quit!“, and he tasted them. Bitter iron on his tongue, they fell heavy out of his mouth, hitting both Kevin and AJ on the head.

„Say what?“, AJ looked at him confused he had an expression on his face, that told him, that he didn't believe what he just heard. „Like I said... I quit... I don't want to be part of the group anymore.“, his voice sounded angrier than he had meant it to be. He had no reason to be angry with them, the only person he had reason to be angry with was himself. 

„Are you perfectly sure?“, it was so typical for his cousin to speak rationally like that. Perhaps he also had expected something like that, after all he had asked him if he wanted to leave before. Kevin knew how it was, the need to leave the band behind. He was the one who had left before. Brian nodded, „I am sure. I quit... and tomorrow I will leave this place.“, he took a deep breath after speaking. He left them in a loss of words, but suddenly there was sound of glass shattering behind him and he heard AJ gasp.

When Brian turned around to see the source of the sound, he saw Nick staring at him unbelieving. Those blue eyes, they were so wide, he was loosing himself in them for a moment. When what he read in them changed from shock to hurt tho, Brian felt the pain rise in his stomach. How much he wanted to hug him right now, but if he would, he would never be able to go through with this. 

When Nicks expression changed again it made Brian freeze. There was anger in those eyes that shot daggers into his own and then there was pain, followed by disappointment. Suddenly he felt so cold, that he had to squeeze his own hand close tightly. Nick approached him, shaking his head. „You are such a coward Littrell...“, his voice was cold and without emotion spoken sharply into his ear and Brian shuddered when he felt how that coldness set on his heart. Despite the fact, that he had expected Nick to react negatively, he had not been prepared for the coldness of his voice. When Nick simply pushed him to the side lightly, to walk past him into the living room and out towards the garden, Brian felt chains being pulled tight around his heart. Frick and Frack were dead, it was over, Nick would never forgive him.

As he watched the blonde man leave, he felt himself falling into a deep pit, „I... sorry...“, his words were whispered too late, Nick didn't hear them anymore. He just had left him standing in the doorframe, facing the other two men „Talk to you later...“, he looked at Kevin and AJ, who still were looking at him from the living room. Brian took a deep breath, he needed to get away from here. It was too bright, the light it was burning in his eyes, where was the darkness to hold him? 

When he ran back into his room, he felt like a rope was pulled tight around his throat. He needed to lock the door, he wanted to be alone, didn't want to see anyone. It was so hard to breath under the tears that found their way down his cheek. The darkness enclosed around him when he locked the door, oh that sweet darkness. If he opened his heart for it, maybe it would fill the holes, that the last days had left in it. Nick had never been so cold, he never had spoken like that to him. His sweet Nick had always smiled and joked, when he had been around. He had hugged him when he was down, he had left him in peace, when he needed to think. The way he had been able to read his emotions was scary sometimes. Why wasn't he showing this empathy now?

Then again, why should he? Thinking about it, he pretty much had been the one who pushed Nick away. He should have been careful, what he had asked for. Without Frack, all Frick was going to be is incomplete. He sobbed, when their song came to his mind, Nicks voice, right now it made his heart shatter. Brian shuddered and sank down against the wall onto the ground. This moment, it was like his world was falling apart. Where there had been emptyness earlier, now all he felt was pain. It had been gathering in his stomach for days. Now he could cry again, but he felt the numbness was only waiting around the corner. 

Once the pain would fade it would leave an even bigger hole, where it had been burning like a fire. Nothing could stop him from falling anymore, he felt like he would never be able to smile again. He was sick of his masks, sick of his failing voice, sick of being scared, sick of the fact that whatever he did lead to even more pain. Shadows were consuming him, shadows of the past, shadows of the here and now, they all were dancing around him like fairys. It was hard to make a clear thought with them stabbing at him with needles, because everytime they stabbed, he saw that cold expression on Nicks face in his mind. 

As the darkness consumed him, the numbness he expected came back. He felt how it changed him, how it left him staring into nothingness. He felt so empty, as if he had lost all of his power. All those years he always had been strong, for himself and for others, but he was done. There was simply no way he could keep staying the way he was. Because Frick couldn't exist anymore, it had been a part of himself, his enthusiasm, his will, his hope and strength. But Frick and Frack were dead, so now he was left to be Brian. The sick, little boy with a heart condition, the man with the failing voice, that guy, who was the coward. Brian didn't think highly of himself. Before he had met Nick, he had nearly already given up on everything. Only the masks he wore had kept people from noticing. If Frick and Frack hadn't been, he wouldn't have survived 1998. He believed deeply in how it had been Nick that had made him strong and that without him he was hopeless. 

He didn't know how to go on without Frack, but tomorrow he would be leaving, tomorrow he would need to start facing the world alone. He was not sure if he was prepared for that challenge. Thinking about it scared him greatly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter End Notes:  
> Well the song is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVe80iZtlYU
> 
> I think you guys know that one


	6. Keep Your Heart Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherever Brian was going, he was taking everything that could make Nick happy with him.

Wherever Brian was going, he was taking everything that could make Nick happy with him.

He had been standing at the curtain for quite some time now. Staring out of the window and watching the scenes that unfolded down infront of the mansion. Brian was loading his car with his luggage and Kevin was there talking to him. He couldn't understand what they were saying, but he saw the oldest Backstreet Boy was pretty agitated and Nick couldn't blame him for that either.

Brian was just running away, that was nothing new, but this time it all seemed so much more final. More than that he was letting them down. Of course his voice wasn't alright, but he still was an important member of their group and Nick didn't even have the slightest idea, how they would explain Brians departure to their fanbase. The fans didn't even know of Brians vocal issues, so they weren't expecting anything in that direction. 

Besides of that Nick also knew, that the real problem was much different. He didn't know how to feel about it yet, but he knew that Brian was attracted to him. The problem with Brian was, that he was a coward, afraid of handling that situation. It was perfectly clear to Nick, but still he didn't know what he could do or say to take that fear away. Brian had always been a coward and had always needed that push to stand up to his own problems. But this time he didn't want to be the one to run after him. He always had done that and always Brian had started running away again a few days later. His pride was hurt and this time it was Brians turn to come to him. 

While his fingers danced along the lace pattern of the curtain, his mind painted him pictures of playing with Brians hair, back in the days when it was still kind of curly. He hadn't thought anything of it in that time, they had been friends. Had been. He wasn't even sure how he and Brian were standing to each other anymore. What he knew was, that the knots in his stomach were painful enough to draw a frown onto his face. As certain as he was about not changing his decision to let Brian go, he didn't know if it was really the right thing to do.

Sure he was too proud to keep running after Frick, but part of him was afraid that this would be the last time he saw him. Even tho he wanted to believe, that Brian would be able to fight his own cowardice, he didn't really know what he would do if that wasn't the case.

_„Don't worry I will always be at your side Frack...“_ , Brians words echoed in his mind. He still remembered them after all those years. Once Nick had been the coward, too afraid to travel the world alone. Every night he had sobbed, because he had missed his home so much. But Brian had been there to hold him close, so that he was able to sleep. It had been an innocent and simple gesture of friendship, but to Nick it was one of the most important memories of his life.

And now it all seemed forgotten, Brian was a liar, the words he had said back then, now he was breaking them. Even tho it was out of fear, it wasn't supposed to be that way. Maybe he didn't even remember. He had promised to be with him and now he was running away, leaving him alone. He felt betrayed and kind of heartbroken.

A sudden knock at the door pulled him out of his thoughts. „Nick?“, it was AJs voice, it was sounding shattered, as if he had been sobbing. „Come in...“, Nick didn't want to move away from the curtain, he was still watching Brian and Kevin, who by now were shouting words at each other. He didn't pull his eyes away from them, but the sound of the door opening and the footsteps, alerted him of AJ coming closer.

„Why are you here, shouldn't you be down with Brian?“, Nick asked, his voice seemed kind of cold, but he really just wanted to be alone now. „I could ask you the same question...“, Nick could hear how AJs voice was wavering at his response, he was still sobbing. „What should I do down there? He made his decision, I'm not the puppy who always runs after him.“, he gave a frustrated sigh and let go of the curtain, turning around. „Why are you crying AJ? He isn't worth it, he's leaving us all alone, you should be fucking angry, that's what you should be!“, he shouted at the older Backstreet Boy, who kind of let his shoulders hang at the reaction. 

„He is our friend, Nick!“, AJ voice by now was mirroring his irritation. „Maybe he is yours, but he obviously isn't mine...“, Nick crossed his arms, no matter what the other man said, he simply didn't want to hear it. Ge had made his decision and his decision was final. „Anything else?“, he lifted his chin challenging AJ to speak up again and for a moment it seemed like he would, but then he just pressed his lips to a line and lifted a CD. „What is that?“, AJ huffed at Nicks question. „So suddenly you care? Whatever... Brian wanted me to give it to you. It...“, he wanted to speak on but Nick fell into his word: „What kinda bullshit is that?“, he grabbed the CD out of AJs hand.  
–  
It was early in the morning, the temperatures were still low and bareable and the birds were singing melodies in the trees. In his mind it had been so peaceful. But sadly things were never as colorful as the mind painted them to be.

„You can't seriously be thinking about leaving us?“, Kevin had come after him shouting as he had left the mansion after breakfast. „I told you yesterday didn't I?“, today he had the strength to stand up to Kevin, he was doing the right thing after all. „You got to be kidding me! I thought you were joking!“, now his older cousin was storming towards him. „You can't be leaving! We still have appointments to do, duties to fulfill. You can't just simply quit. I won't allow it!“, Brian had only seen Kevin as agitated once before in his life. That time when AJ was being a drunk shit. Back then his cousin had brought up the same voice and the same expression. But different to AJ, Brian knew exactly what he was doing.

„It's not for you to decide what I do with my life!“, Brian said throwing one of his bags into the back of the car and facing his cousin with fierce eyes. „Do you think this is easy for me?“, he questioned and sighed as he saw, that Kevin was fuming with anger. „You are being an egoist. Have you ever thought about anybody else beside of you? Have you one minute thought about how we are supposed to explain that to our fans?“, and he stomped closer to grab his arm. „I have thought about nothing else but the band. I can't do this anymore.... I can't fucking sing... Can't you hear my voice?“, it was already crackling and failing again, and he wasn't even singing, just shouting. „We would have found a solution!“, obviously he was sharing the same false hopes Nick had for him.

„Yeah, right. You wouldn't, so stop talking. I made my decision. I will leave and you can't stop me Kevin. Even if you shout so loud that the whole street will hear you. I will be leaving!“, and with those words, he pulled his arm away from Kevin and threw the second bag into the back of the car. He had enough, he could have reminded Kevin, how he had been the one to leave the group behind before as well. But he was sick of it, he had enough of fighting and was sick of explaining himself. He just wanted to get home.  
–  
„Please, just go AJ...“, Nick had thrown the CD onto his bed, he didn't feel like talking either. He just wanted to look out of his window again. He knew AJ had just meant it well, but right now he wasn't helping, so he was grateful, as the older guy simply followed his wish and left the room.

He was grateful, since he wasn't able to keep his tears anymore. While he was angry, he also was sad and as his hands touched the curtain again he could see how the car was leaving. How his friend was leaving, that one guy, that had really known him. That one guy, that could read all of his thoughts. 

And as the car vanished behind the trees in the distance, he felt a stinging pain inside of his chest. It felt like his heart was breaking into two and in that moment, he felt like he was falling. Deeper and deeper. In reality he sank onto his knees, but in truth, he lost the ground under his feet. Wherever Brian was going, he was taking everything that could make Nick happy with him.

–

When he finally arrived it was already dark outside. The road had been long and bumpy and half of this journey he had been sobbing, unable to speak, unable to make a single thought. He just felt so lost, without any destination to go. And it had not even ended, for what he planned when he came home, would only make his pain grow stronger. Brian didn't know if he would be able to stand all this pain, but it was what he had to do. If he didn't do it now, he would be a liar infront of himself and infront of god, who meant so much to him.

Leighanne had to know and if he could he wanted to make it as gentle and quick as possible. But he didn't know how he could speak what he had to say, gentle enough. No words could have made the message any less painful. His wife would have to go through pain, and he would be the one who pushed her into it. Brian felt bad for that, but he simply could not have her living a lie. As he took out his key to open the front door, he felt his stomach turn, he didn't necessarily want to do this, but he had too.

It was completely silent, when he entered through the door. Part of him hoped the mansion would be large enough, that nobody would notice him coming in. He hadn't told them he was coming. It would be hard enough to talk to Leighanne face to face, already. He had not wanted to upset her, before he even was there. But now he had and for a moment he hesitated. He didn't really look forward to the talk he needed to have with Leighanne, but there was nowhere else he could go. So he set his luggage down and closed the door behind him.

„Who's there?“, obviously he had not been able to be as silent as he had planned to be. Since as soon as he closed the door Leighanne called him from the living room, which was just a litte farther down the main hall. „I'm home...“, he simply answered, taking a deep breath to prepare himself for what was about to come. It only took a moment for Leighanne to make her way towards him, as soon as she stepped into the hall, he could see the confusion written on her face. He couldn't blame her, it still was unreal even for himself. 

„Brian?“, as she stopped infront of him, she obviously was waiting for an explanation, he could read that in her frown and in her widened eyes: „Long story babe, you better sit down...“, he said and took her hand to lead her back into the living room, letting his luggage be luggage.

„Sit down...“, he gestured to the couch and made his own way towards one of the armchairs surrounding the table. „Babe I have to tell you something...“, Brian bit his lower lip, it would be hard to tell her everything, but he wouldn't flee from her. She was his wife, she had given so much to him, he couldn't just run away from her. He had sworn to always be honest with her. „Shouldn't you still be working on the new BSB album, love?“, she asked him and he sighed, „I'm not part of that group anymore...“, her expression changed to one of shock after his confession.

„What? Why? How did it happen?“, she was raising her voice, she wasn't really angry, he knew that, but she didn't understand. „I quit... my voice... you know...“, he was facing the ground after his words, as if the carpet had all of a sudden grown all intresting. Leighanne widened her eyes and shook her head, „But... we were working on that already. You had no reason to quit because of that!“, she looked at him, she was frowning. „I mean, it's not like you! What will your fans say? How will your friends explain to the world, that you left the group?“, her voice was his voice of reason, it always had been that way. Back in the days when he didn't want to get surgery for his heart, she was the one who pushed him. And now she was the one that questioned his decision, for exactly the right reasons, he knew that. But there was more: things he wanted to tell her, because he had to. He was sick of living a lie, but that didn't make telling her the truth any easier. „It's better that way Leighanne. Listen to me, please!“

He forced himself to look up and stare into her eyes: „There is something I have to say and it will hurt you.“, her frown deepened at his words, „But it will hurt you even more if I wouldn't say a thing. Babe, for me you are the most wonderful woman in the world, you know that right?“ How could you explain to your wife, that you didn't love her the way she loved you? He hesitated as he noticed that Leighanne was getting uncomfortable, „What are you getting at Brian?“, she grabbed the fabric of the couch next to herself as if she was preparing herself for what was about to hit her. Maybe she had a guess, Brian didn't know, he just had to speak it out. „But even tho you are the most wonderful woman in the world, I just can't love you the way, you deserve to be loved...“, his wife visibly tensed and leaned backwards, but before she could speak, he spoke on: „I'm into men Leigh. Please forgive me.“

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had some real trouble with this chapter, It was hard to write. And I don't think it came out really well. But I had to post it now else I would never have posted another chapter anymore at all.
> 
> Anyway, this is the song to the chapter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqV8M4KBnos


	7. The Dark Half

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They whistled a melody of things that had been, things that were and things that never would be. Such a devastating song that it threw him down onto the ground, onto his knees.

They whistled a melody of things that had been, things that were and things that never would be. Such a devastating song that it threw him down onto the ground, onto his knees.

She was gone, like a leaf in the wind, blown away and out of his reach. She was gone and she had taken their son with her. Leaving him standing like a shadow, the hull of what he once used to be. He couldn't make her stay, nothing he would say or do would be able to keep her with the person, that had driven her away to begin with. And all that was left was the gnawing, cackling madness, that had been hiding in the back of his mind for so long.

What was left of him, but a caricature of his former self? He couldn't sing, he was no Backstreet Boy anymore and now he had no family left either. She had made it perfectly clear, what she thought of his truth, how hurt she was by years of being lied to. Of course he could understand her, but that didn't mean that he felt any less abandoned when she left. 

Another thing he couldn't forget was the angry look his son had given him. Leighanne had just blurted it all out to him, everything he had told her. Of course she hadn't been able to think straight, else she wouldn't have done that. Baylee was still their son and Brian still cared for them, they were his family. But he didn't know what to say or do then to keep them with him. The mixture of sadness and anger he had seen in his sons eyes, that image had burned itself deep into his mind. 

Now he was alone, standing in the middle of his living room. It looked clean, but in reality, his whole life was laying in pieces all around himself. Brian wasn't sure if he would ever be strong enough to pick them up, since an invisible force hold him in place. What he saw were webs of darkness. They were pulling him into their hold, their hug, so sweet and tempting. It was so easy to loose yourself to those thoughts. They whistled a melody of things that had been, things that were and things that never would be. Such a devastating song that it threw him down onto the ground, onto his knees.

And then there was that cackling, voices in his head that were laughing, telling jokes, jokes about him. How he was a fool, how he finally had gotten what he deserved, that nobody would ever love him again and that he would be forever alone. They laughed and they sang with the same melody, that the darkness had started to play. 

„Stop!“, Brian threw his hands to the sides of his head. He already was kneeling on the ground but he made himself even smaller, when the screeching became louder despite his words. No they wouldn't stop, they kept laughing, laughing til he was laying on his belly, bumping his head against the ground. They had joy in his suffering, they drank from his pain. He felt helpless against them, totally at the mercy of his own ghosts. And smashing he kept, until he started to bleed on his forehead, until a moment of silence allowed him to sit up and cry out his pain.

„Go away!“, he shouted again and all he could remember was how safe he had felt in that room in the mansion he had shared with the boys. There he had been covered in darkness and nobody could see him.  _'Coward, you're a coward, running away, away, away...'_ , the voice kept taunting him, mirroring the words Nick had spoken. He felt like a puppet, controlled by those voices. They were forcing him to slam his fist into his stomach, only once, but firm enough to make himself cough. They had to stop and the only way to escape was to jump back into the webs of darkness. „Leave me alone!“, he pushed himself off the ground to achieve, what needed to be achieved. Two large steps and he was able to reach the curtains and pull them close, to give him back his safety.

If only he had known how treacherous the darkness was. Darkness was nobody's friend, it could give you a cover, it could hide yourself and sometimes it could even give you comfort, but none of those things were given to Brian when he closed the curtains. 

As soon as the darkness started to cover the room, he felt how his thoughts became more intense. He saw pictures of the past, of all he had lost. He saw the smile Nick had given, when 'We've Got It Going On', became a hit. Then he saw Leighannes face, when he had first asked her for a date. Finally he saw the birth of his son. All those were his most precious memories, he had kept them close to his heart. And all of those pictures started to shatter, one by one.

Gone was Nicks smile, gone was Leighannes happiness and gone was his son. And instead different pictures started to get colour and shape. He remembered how after his heart surgery, he had awoken in his hospital room all alone, no sign of his friends. Then he remembered, that Nick had called him a coward, with anger in his eyes, like he had never seen in them before. Finally he also remembered once again, how his wife and son had left him

_'You're alone...'_ , the voices whispered into his ear and it felt like they were breaking him. What broke him, was the fact, that they were right. Nobody was here and nobody would come. He was alone and his only friend was the darkness, that covered him like a blanket. 

Suddenly the voices were gone, instead of them there was this loud silence. Silence so loud it was deafening. He couldn't see, he couldn't hear, he wasn't even sure if he could still feel or smell. He felt as if he was sitting in a gap, between the reality and the world his shadows had created for him. A safe haven, to recover from the exhaustion he came from and the exhaustion that lay ahead. Nobody would find him here, since nobody was looking for him. This void made him feel so empty, as if he was just a hull with nothing inside. Why should he strife on? Why was he not just ending it, right here and right now? 

He knew the answer and it was bittersweet, since it was the same reason, that made Nick angry with him: „I'm a coward...“, he whispered to himself and brought his hand up to his forehead. He could feel, that he was still bleeding. The blood was warm and the wound was hurting. Sensations, that made him realize, that he was more than a hull after all. There still was life inside of him and it had the colour red. So he laughed and he didn't know, he just felt that sudden urge to laugh, to break that silence, to cut that void just a little bit. But his laugh was bittersweet and loud, weird and strange as it mixed up with tears. 

Brian knew how odd he would have seemed to anybody, who would enter the room, but at the same time he knew, that nobody would come.  _,Each one of us is two seperate beings. It's the outer being, that we show the world at large and then there is the inner being, the truth.'_ , he had awoken them again, those voices. His laughter had brought them back and not even darkness could keep him safe now.  _'Give in you must, give in, give in to who you really are!'_ , they were back at full force taunting him.  _'You know it's better that way. They never really loved you anyway, none of them.'_ , he stopped to laugh and moved his head to face the ground,  _'Why would anybody love you anyway?'_

It was a good question, what was there to like about him? The things he had liked about himself were all gone. Maybe the voices were just telling him the truth, holding his own broken mirror up infront of his eyes. If that was the case, then it would be his task to look through the shards, to find the path, he had to walk. 

„Maybe it's true. Nobody does love me.“, he whispered as an answer. Thinking about it, he wasn't sure if he had ever really been loved by anyone. He never even had loved himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short, but I think it is exactly fine as it should be. This came to me in a wave of inspiration, I like it so much more than my last chapter.
> 
> Song to this chapter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRbANL0ozrk


End file.
